


The Last One To Know

by horrorgirl



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Fluff and Angst, Heartbreak, M/M, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-22
Updated: 2016-05-22
Packaged: 2018-06-09 22:26:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,041
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6926137
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/horrorgirl/pseuds/horrorgirl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Why is Dean always the last one to know? Especially when it's something that is going to change his life forever.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Last One To Know

Cas sat on the edge of the bed, fumbling to button up his shirt in the dark. He could hear Dean already softly snoring behind him. This wasn't the first time he'd ended up in Dean's bed and he knew the unspoken rules, he was expected to get dressed and leave. He thought back to that first drunken night knowing that he should have said no, but he never said no to Dean. Most nights it was Dean's game and Cas just played a role, but he didn't complain. Dean could be a selfish lover but he always made sure that Cas was satisfied, even if it was just a lazy compensative hand job before he rolled over and fell asleep. But the other nights, the nights when Dean's hands were soft and his breath was hot when he whispered gentle encouragement in Cas's ear, those were the nights that Cas lived for. He picked his coat up off of the floor and disappeared. He considered leaving the bunker entirely. He considered it every time, but he could never bring himself to do it. Dean Winchester was his weakness. 

\--------------------

He reappeared in the main room and wasn't surprised to see that Sam was still awake, his laptop open on the table in front of him. Sam and Dean may share a last name, but the only other thing that they had in common was their fierce loyalty. Sam had been marked as the smart one at such a young age that Dean had always worked to be the faster one, the stronger one, the untouchable one. Dean wore an "I don't give a fuck" facade like a badge of honor, when in truth, he was the more sensitive of the two brothers. While Dean used alcohol and anger to escape, Sam used books and research. 

Sam felt Cas quietly enter the room behind him and without turning around he gave him the usual, "Oh hey Cas. Wanna sit down?" He knew that Cas would have one of two demeanors, lovelorn and disappointed, or satisfied and hopeful. 

He was lovelorn and disappointed. 

Sam had known about the physical relationship between Dean and Cas for awhile. He knew his brother, he knew how Cas felt about his brother, he did the majority of the laundry, and even though the walls were concrete, he would occasionally hear them. 

"Thank you Sam" Cas said quietly, sliding into the chair across the table. He was still pleasantly sore, but empty.

"Cas, I don't understand why you keep doing this to yourself."

Cas just dropped his head, "yes you do, Sam."

Sam was searching for something comforting to say, but he knew that Dean didn't carry all of the blame. Cas was fueled by hope and ignorance. "You need to tell Dean how you feel. He doesn't know what this is doing to you. He thinks that this whole thing is harmless and that nobody is getting hurt because you won't tell him.

"He knows how I feel Sam."

"Cas, my brother is a lot of things but you know him. He doesn't have it in him to use or hurt someone that he cares about. If he really knew how you feel about him then this whole thing would have ended a long time ago."

Cas just stared at the table, refusing to meet Sam's eyes.

"Is that what you're afraid of, Cas? It ending? I'm sorry, you know that you're like a brother to me, but you can't blame Dean for this. You follow him into that room willingly night after night. He really doesn't know, Cas. He has no idea that you are in love with him."

"But you do. You figured it out."

Sam took a deep breath before he spoke. He had spent months talking Cas down when his feelings had been hurt, and as much as he cared about him, it was exhausting. "I'm on the outside looking in. I see things that Dean doesn't. You need to either step up and tell him or just accept things as they are. He isn't going to wake up tomorrow and have a life changing epiphany. He is going to wake up tomorrow knowing that last night he fucked his best friend, just like he does every other morning after you've been in his bed. And he's not wrong. I'm sorry Cas, but maybe it's time you grew a set because trust me, he doesn't know."

Cas finally lifted his head and looked at Sam, "how could he not know?"

Sam closed his laptop and stood up. It was getting late and he didn't have the energy to have this conversation, not again. "Why don't you ask him that? Goodnight Cas."

\--------------------

After Sam left, Cas sat at the table for hours trying to rationalize the situation, trying to talk himself out of loving Dean. Cas was an angel, he had the wings to prove it. Loving all of humanity was expected. Loving a single human more than any of the others was abhorred. He tried to make a mental list of all of Dean's faults, but the process became muddied when he started to see beauty in those faults. He had know Dean for years, he had fallen in love with Dean the day they met. He was becoming pathetic, he saw that in Sam's eyes tonight. He needed to decide which would hurt worse, to continue feeling used, or to possibly lose Dean forever. He couldn't spend another night in Dean's bed until he was honest with himself and made that decision.

\------------------------

Dean woke up slowly, sore and mildly hungover. He knew that he'd been a little rough last night, but it wasn't anything that Cas couldn't handle. Cas wasn't the first man that he had slept with, but he was the best. He was compliant, and Dean knew that maybe he should feel like an asshole for using that to his advantage, but he didn't. Cas never complained. He was a little surprised that Sam hadn't pulled the 'we need to talk' card on him, but he wasn't going to question it. He threw on some boxers and his robe, hoping that Sam had already showered.

\---------------------

"Morning Sammy. Have you seen Cas?"

"More like afternoon, and no. I haven't seen Cas since last night. Why?"

Dean was already feeling the need for a little stress relief coming on. He was hoping to catch Cas for a little afternoon playtime, but he wasn't about to tell Sam that. "No reason." 

Dean was restless, and he was bored. He never understood Sam's fascination with the huge library in the Men of Letters bunker. Dean needed something to keep him busy. He wanted Cas to show up. He wanted to see and feel that tight angel ass. Just thinking about it made his cock start to swell. He went outside to work on his car that didn't need to be fixed. 

It was growing dark when Cas finally appeared. The brothers were in the middle of dinner complete with beer and banter. Dean felt himself start to swell up again, he was just waiting for an opportune time to proposition Cas. It never took much encouragement on Dean's part. He missed the pointed looks that Sam threw Cas's direction as he got up from the table.

"Dean, I've got the dishes tonight. It's my turn." Sam said as he gathered them up and took them into the kitchen. His plan was to wash them all nice and slow by hand. Cas better have figured it out by now because he was losing patience with the angel.

Dean snuck up behind Cas and grabbed him by the hips. He started biting his neck and whispered, "I've thinking about this all day." When he reached around and manhandled Cas through his pants, Cas knew which Dean he was going to get tonight. As much as he wanted to protest, stand by his decision to tell Dean the truth, the heady smell of Dean's skin and rough sound of his voice in Cas's ear clouded his judgement and he followed Dean down the hallway. "I'm leaving the lights on, I want to watch my cock slide in and out of that tight little ass of yours." Dean already had Cas's pants down and positioned him on all fours on the bed. He dripped lube onto his fingers as he whispered. "I don't even know why I use my fingers anymore. We both know that you can take my cock." Everything inside of Cas told him that he should tell Dean no and leave the room, Dean hadn't even tried to kiss him. There was no semblance of intimacy, but when he felt Dean slide the first finger in, probing to find Cas's prostate, he lost his will and gave into the sensation. The second finger found it and he gasped. Dean smiled because he knew that this was going to quick and easy, he'd been thinking about quick and easy all day. He slathered his cock with lube and kneeled on the bed behind Cas, gripping his shoulder so that he could set the rhythm. He pressed the head of his cock against Cas and pulled him back against it until he was buried deep. He knew by the sounds that Cas was making that he had found the sweet spot. "I'm gonna fuck you harder than I've ever fucked you before" he whispered in his ear as he let go of his shoulder and grabbed his hips. He watched his cock slide in and out until he knew he was close. He reached around and found that Cas was hard, rock hard. He wrapped his hand tightly around him and stroked him to the same hard and frenzied rhythm of his thrusts. He vaguely heard Cas panting before he felt the hot sticky come shoot all over his hand. Just a few more hard thrusts and he was coming, holding Cas's hips against him until he was completely satisfied and going soft. He pulled out, picked up the towel that he'd haphazardly tossed on the laundry pile and cleaned himself before handing it to Cas. "Ah, I so needed that. Time for a drink."

"Dean?"

Dean was still out of breath and one of the unspoken rules was no unnecessary meaningful conversations after they fucked, but there was no harm in breaking the rule this one time. "Uh, yeah?" He watched Cas pull his pants up with shaky hands and fumble with his belt.

"This is it Dean," Cas said quietly. "I can't do this anymore."

Dean felt blindsided, "what in the hell are you talking about, Cas? You just shot your load in my hand but somehow you're not satisfied? I take care of you. I take care of you every time."

"That's not what I'm talking about," Cas mumbled as he buttoned and zipped the few articles of clothing that Dean had bothered to touch. "I can't keep doing this to myself." He didn't know if he should be sad or angry, or both. He walked out of the room with Dean on his heels.

"What the fuck, Cas? Did something happen between last night and today? Because I think we both know that I've never left you hanging."

They reached the main room and Cas spun around, angry tears coursing down his cheeks. "I told you, I'm done, Dean. I can't keep doing this."

"Seriously, what's going on here?"

You really don't know, do you? I thought that Sam was just trying to appease me, but he was being honest. You have no idea."

"No idea about what?"

"How I feel about you."

"Cas, we're friends, I know how you feel."

"You have got to be kidding me."

"I'm not following you here Cas. What are you trying to say?" He'd never felt Cas's anger like this. "The sex? You have a problem with it now? We've been doing this for months."

"Everything that I have ever done was to try and make you happy. Everything. After Sam jumped into the cage I spent a year watching you love somebody else and it tore me up. But I left you alone because I thought that you'd finally found the happiness that you deserved. It's always been about you. You don't even see me Dean, not really. I have loved you from the minute I laid eyes on you, but I'm just a tool. I have been there for you. I have cleaned up your messes. I have turned my back on my family for you. I have bled for you. I have died for you. I have spent years living for you, coddling you, feeding your arrogant self preservation."

"Is that really how you feel Cas? Because there is nothing holding you here."

"You're right Dean."

And Cas was gone.

Sam heard the yelling from the kitchen. He came out to see Dean standing alone. "Dean? What in the hell was that?"

"He's gone. He made his choice Sam."

"But Dean..."

"He made his choice." 

Sam just watched Dean walk away and cringed when he heard the bedroom door slam shut.

\----------------------

Dean woke up and knew what would be waiting for him on the other side of that door. He was in no mood for this shit.

"Dean, we need to talk about Cas."

"Why is it that every time something happens you think that we need to talk about it? He said his piece."

"Yeah, but did you listen? Did you really hear him?"

"I heard him loud and clear."

"I don't think that you did."

"And what is that supposed to mean?"

"Dean, Cas is in love with you. He always has been."

"Oh bullshit Sam. He's just pissed."

"No Dean, he's broken."

"Oh, and that's my fault?"

"He was right, Dean. Everything that he has done has been for you, and don't tell me that you never asked him for anything. You did, we both did time and time again knowing that he couldn't say no. I'm just as guilty as you are, maybe more because I've known why he couldn't stay away."

"And you never said anything."

"It wasn't up to me. I thought that eventually you'd see it."

"Well I didn't, okay?"

"You've got to fix this."

"What? Track him down for a goodbye kiss?"

"Is this really how you want things to end?"

"I didn't leave, Sam. He did."

"But Dean..."

Dean just leaned his head back and groaned. "Sam, what in the fuck do you want from me? Do you want me to tell you that I slept on it and had a major revelation about my deep inner feelings for Cas? Now I realize how wrong I was? How big of an asshole I've been? Sorry, but I didn't. I slammed my door last night because Cas fucking blindsided me, and you knew it was coming. I'm sorry if you expected this sweet, gentle, changed man to come out here and beg you for one of your 'talks'. I went in my room and listened to music until I fell asleep. None of this is on me. So fuck him for banging me for months while he was in the middle of some existential angelic crisis. He could have said no at any time, and I would have respected that. He could have told me how he felt a long time ago. We might have been able to make something work. Instead he waits until after we have sex and then stands here and goes off on me? I don't have to fix shit."

"But what if he never comes back, Dean?"

Dean poured a cup of coffee and leaned against the counter, looking at his brother, "Then fuck him Sam, and not in the good way. And you know what? Fuck you too for putting me in this position. Where was your little 'talk' months ago? You dropped the ball on your infamous Dr. Phil moment." Dean finished his coffee and walked away. Sam heard the shower start and just sat down. Dean was actually right. He should have talked to him, even though it wasn't his responsibility. This really was on Cas. He understood the lovesick puppy routine, but he'd gotten that out of his system as a teenager. Granted, Cas was an angel and new to this whole 'dealing with humanity' thing, but it was his choice to put blinders on when it came to Dean. 

\--------------------

Dean stood under the hot stream of water and thought about that first night. He'd thought that the biggest mistake he had made was driving drunk. He'd struck out at the bar. His options had been limited and the few decent looking women were either married or bat shit crazy. He could smell bat shit crazy from a mile away. He was ready to just stumble into his room to rub one out to some bad porn when he saw Cas. He didn't know why he did what he did that night, but it only took a few deep kisses and hand job before he had Cas's head in his lap taking his cock down his throat. And he even swallowed. It was the best blow job he'd ever had. Cas didn't seem bothered when he zipped up his pants and went to bed without inviting him to come along for some snuggle time. Cas had been around long enough that he should have understood casual sex. How many times had Dean come back early after sneaking out of some chick's apartment? Hell, even Sam got laid every once in awhile. Just because he didn't have 'feels' when Cas was taking his dick didn't make him the bad guy. But somehow, Dean Winchester, the resident asshole, was always the bad guy. He wasn't going to deal with Sam's attempts to make eye contact in order to create guilt and he certainly wasn't going to wait around for that mopey angel to show up at the door looking for apologies and declarations of love. He got out of the shower, dried off, and went in his room to pack a bag.

"I'm going up to the cabin and the only reason I'm telling you that is because I won't have cell service and if all hell breaks loose, literally or figuratively, you'll know where to find me. Sorry I'm leaving you without a car, but you'll figure something out if you need to. I'm not going off to find myself, I need a break so I would prefer not to see you or Cas. I'll be back."

"But Dean..."

"Nope. Bye Sammy." and he let the door shut behind him. He threw his bag in the backseat of his car before he jumped in and started the engine. "That's my baby." he murmured as he patted the dashboard and threw it into drive. 

He stopped for a few essentials and headed north. Between the loud music and thermos of coffee he could make it there without stopping. All he wanted was to sit somewhere alone with a cold beer without all the bitch fits. He wasn't pissed at Sam or Cas, he was just annoyed. They expected him to read between the lines, to have all of the answers. Ask him to track a monster and he was on it, ask him to talk about his feelings and you were shit out of luck. They were the two people who were closest to him, so they shouldn't act so fucking surprised that he didn't know how Cas felt. 

\------------------

It had always annoyed Dean that there wasn't a working tv at the cabin, and he didn't have Sam there to use his weird cosmic powers to find wifi. The movies on his computer would have to suffice. He laid down on the couch and set his open computer on his stomach. After a long drive and a few beers, he fell asleep. 

Dean wasn't the type of guy who needed a good book or long walks through the woods in order to clear his head. Long walks through the woods were educational, not inspirational. He knew about most of the creatures that went bump in the dark, so he would just end up running a mental list of attack plans. All he wanted was peace and quiet. He wanted his days to move slowly from coffee to beer and watch a few movies, he was relieved that he'd actually loaded something other than porn on his hard drive, but when you had a voracious sexual appetite like he did, he appreciated the porn. He had decided on some some good solid lesbian porn before he slid his boxers down, set a box of tissues on the coffee table next to him, and grabbed his bottle of lube. Fuck the dive bars and fuck Cas. If anyone knew how Dean liked it, it was Dean. He started the video and reached down to rub and squeeze his cock until it got hard. He started slowly stroking it, he could take his time, but eventually the lesbian porn caught up with him. By the time one of the dormmates had her face between the other one's legs, Dean was stroking hard. He felt his balls pull tight and his cock start to throb before the hot sticky come shot all over his hand and stomach. He squeezed and rubbed himself, still breathing heavy, until he was completely limp. The credits were rolling on the movie when he reached over to grab some tissues. He'd always wondered why porn had credits. Did they really that he gave a shit about who the boom operator was during the dildo scene? He closed his computer, set the sticky tissues on the table next to it, and pulled his boxers up.

"Did you enjoy the show, Cas?" He knew that Cas had shown up right after he had started, and he knew that Cas had stayed to watch him finish.

"I didn't come for that Dean, I just wanted to see you, talk to you." Cas whispered.

"You wanted to see me and talk to me. You've been spending too much time with my brother if you came here thinking that I'm in any mood to talk to you. Fortunately for you, I just shot my load so I'm a little less annoyed to see you than I would have been 15 minutes ago." Dean said as he stood up and stretched. He hadn't even looked at Cas. Not really. He picked up the tissues and tossed them in the garbage on his way to the cooler for a beer. "You should know me well enough to know that I have nothing to say to you."

"Dean, I just need to know if we can get past this."

"I don't know Cas. I'm a self preserving arrogant guy who has used you as my tool. Is that something you want to get past?"

Cas knew that coming here was probably a mistake, but he had done it before he could talk himself out of it. "I'm sorry for some of the things I said. I was tired of feeling, I don't know, unimportant."

Dean set his beer down and walked over to face Cas, "you are going to stand here and accuse me of treating you as unimportant?" He placed his hand against Cas's chest and pressed him against the wall, leaning in so that their faces were just inches apart. "You were right when you made your laundry list of all of the things that you've done for me. And as Sam pointed out, I have asked a lot of you, but so has he. I can't stand here and tell you that I'm sorry that the only reason you did those things was to try and somehow win my love when I didn't even know how you felt. But have you forgotten about all of the things that I have done for you? The hits that I have taken? Our lives, our fights, they've been a two way street, fought side by side." He leaned forward a few more inches and felt Cas's hard cock brush against his hip. "So the angel does like it rough? A few days ago I would have gladly dropped to my knees and taken that hard cock of yours down my throat. Apparently now I am supposed to feel like as asshole for even considering it." He pushed his body away from Cas and sat on the couch. 

"Dean...I..."

"Ya know what, Cas? Just go. Wait, before you do I have one last thing to say. You have no right to put the blame on me for you being torn up when I was with Lisa. As far as I knew, you were gone. Your feelings about that are not on me. But, I think that we both know that most of this not all on me. Now you are welcome any time that you want a Dean Winchester jacking off show, but for right now, just leave. We're done here."

"Dean, do you regret it?"

Dean just sighed, maybe Cas would finally leave after this. "Yes Cas, I regret it. You don't care about the people you fuck, and you don't fuck the people that you care about. At least I don't. I shouldn't have crossed that line."

Cas disappeared.

Dean was restless. There was nothing worse than losing his temper and having no outlet. The closest town was easily 30 miles, so going to the bar wasn't an option. He could already sense that there was nothing in the woods, so a small hunt wasn't an option. He knew where Bobby had kept his liquor in this cabin. Maybe if he was lucky, the old man had left a bottle or two behind. He had. Dean had tried to avoid drinking himself to sleep, but this was the only way he'd get any shut eye tonight. He didn't want to go home yet. His anger towards Sam had faded, but he was enjoying being alone. As long as Cas stayed away he'd be fine.

\--------------------

Another thing that Dean hated about the cabin was that it faced east, and the curtains were thin. Even with his arm thrown across his eyes he still knew that the sun was up. He rolled off of the couch and stumbled into the kitchen to make coffee. Bobby may have bought the cheap shit, but half of that bottle had kicked his ass. He leaned against the counter holding a mug, trying to will the old coffee maker to brew faster. One thing about being alone is that it gave him entirely too much time to think. His dick had gotten him in a lot of trouble before, pissed off husbands being the usual issue, but now he'd lost his best friend. He still wasn't going to take the blame, other than he should have left it in his pants. 

"Cas I just ask you one question, Dean?"

"Jesus Christ Cas, you scared the shit out of me. You are just going to keep showing up until we rehash all of this shit, aren't you?"

"I just have one question right now."

Dean didn't have the energy to be pissed off. Not today. He filled his mug, sat on the couch, tilted his head back, and closed his eyes. "Okay, shoot. What do you want to know?"

"When we...you know..."

"When we had sex. It's okay to actually say it." Dean groaned.

"Okay, when we...had sex most of the time you were aggressive, dominant."

Dean opened one eye and looked at Cas. He grinned as he said, "Yeah...I liked that part."

"What about the other nights, Dean?"

"What other nights? What do you mean?"

"The nights when you were gentle. The nights when your hands were soft and you whispered in my ear. I lived for those nights, Dean."

Dean remembered those nights too. "I don't know, Cas. Sometimes a guy just likes to change things up."

"So every night was the same to you?" Cas asked quietly.

"Why are we delving into my sexual psyche here, Cas? Are you hoping that at some point it meant something to me? That we had an emotional connection somewhere along the line? Of course we did. You are, or were, or whatever, my best friend. I always made sure you got yours. You're the best piece of ass I've ever had. I think that we both know that I could probably convince you to come over here to this couch right now. I don't want the drama, and I'm trying to be respectful, so I'm not even going to bother to try. I'm sorry that your feelings got hurt. I really am. But I refuse to take the blame because you weren't exactly honest with me."

"I was afraid, Dean."

Dean opened both eyes and lifted his head so that he could look at Cas. "Am I really that bad? Do you really think that I would have just bailed on you if you'd been honest with me? God, between you and Sam I feel like I have reached a whole new level of asshole. I know that I shouldn't expect to be considered for sainthood anytime soon, but you guys make me out like I'm a fucking monster. The only mistake I made was messing around with you that first night. A night where you very easily could have said no, and I would have walked away and gone to bed."

"What would you have done if I had told you?" Cas whispered

"I don't know, Cas. All of this drawn out and dramatic bullshit makes it impossible for me to know. I wish you'd had the balls to tell me , because look at where we are. I don't even know if we're still friends. And I'll be honest, that feels like a punch in the gut. I don't know that you'll ever get past feeling used. I never used you, I would never use you. But I also don't know that I'll ever get past feeling blindsided and cornered, being accused of things that I never intentionally did. I get that you're new to this whole 'dealing with humans' thing. I know that I was your first, and only. Maybe I should have seen it, but I didn't, I wish I had, but we can't go back and change that now."

Cas walked over and kissed Dean gently on his forehead. "You're right, we can't. I love you Dean. I always have, and I know that I always will." And he disappeared.

"Where was that six months ago?" Dean yelled to the empty room.

\----------------------

Dean had a choice, he could go back home or he could go into town for more necessities. He loved his brother more than anything, but he knew that by now Sam had probably written an entire script full of judgment. Dean just wanted to be left alone.

He got cell service in town so he made a quick call to Sam, yes I'm okay and no I don't know when I'll be home.

He loaded up with groceries and found a few cheap DVD's. He was running out of things to do, but didn't want to leave. Sam thought that he was off in the mountains 'finding himself' when in all reality he was in a cabin eating junk food, drinking beer, and watching movies. Hell, maybe that was the Dean Winchester way of finding himself. Didn't know, didn't care. What he did know was that last night was Cas's goodbye kiss and he needed to accept that the friendship was over. Right now it pissed him off more than it saddened him. Cas didn't give him a choice, he just backed him into a corner. 

\---------------------

Another night on the couch, in his boxers, drinking beer. This was his own slice of heaven. He'd learned after the first night not to put his laptop on his stomach, it got much hotter than he expected and his skin was still a little sensitive. Other than having to reach to change movies or get up to grab food or take a piss, he didn't have to move. He didn't have anyone telling him what to do, or judging him for the things he'd already done. Dean knew that he was an asshole. He put effort into being an asshole, and he was good at it. 

\------------------------

"Cas, you need to stop coming here." Dean couldn't figure out why he was back. It had been days since Cas had kissed him goodbye and Dean felt like for every two steps forward, he was being forced to take one step back. It was getting pathetic and more painful. "Before you say anything, Cas, hear me out. The morning after you left the bunker, Sam ripped into me. He told me I needed to find you and somehow fix this. I asked him if I was supposed to go find you and kiss you goodbye, and yes, I was being sarcastic. But that forehead thing the other night? That kiss? That was the goodbye kiss, wasn't it Cas?"

"I just...yeah...I suppose it was..."

"So why are you here?" It was dark in the cabin but Dean could still sense it every time Cas moved, he'd always been able to.

"I hate how things happened, you know, that night,"

"Cas, we have been over this more than once. I came up here to get away from all of that shit, and you keep showing up. I'm not real happy about that night either but you kissed me goodbye and I'll be honest, I hate it. It's tearing me up, but I have to accept it. Now seriously, for the both of us, stop. It hurts me too."

"I don't want to be like this, Dean. I don't want to be the sad angel who follows you around. It doesn't do either of us any good. But I still think about those nights, I still think about everything that happened. There are a lot of things about it that I don't regret. You were my first, and probably my only. What I do regret is that my last memory is your quick and easy..."

"No, Cas. No. It is not happening. I can't pull off a one final time type of thing. Not with you. I can't let that happen. I've been nice about you showing up here, but if you do actually love me at all, you'll stop." Dean was shocked when he felt Cas kiss him gently. "Cas, this is possibly the worst idea ever. We will both regret this."

"Why, Dean?" Cas whispered. "You already regret it, we've accepted that our friendship has to end. That's on me. I should have told you that I love you. One final night and then I'll go, and I'll stay gone. I know it's not fair for me to ask for this, but I don't want that to be my last memory of you. I don't want it to be your last memory of me. By morning, that's what we will be, memories. I promise. You won't see me again. I just want to touch you one last time." and he bent down to softly kiss Dean again.

Dean tried to protest, but he didn't put a lot of effort into it. Cas was lovesick and wouldn't leave him alone, not until Dean gave him something worth remembering. And if Dean were to be perfectly honest with himself, had he known that would be the last time he would have done things differently. "Not here, not on the couch. Not if you want this done right." he whispered as he stood up and grabbed his blanket. He hadn't used the bed since he got there so the least he could do was lay a blanket on top of it to hold back the dust. He led Cas into the bedroom, layed the blanket down and turned to pull him into his arms. He knew what he needed from him.

Dean pushed Cas's trenchcoat and suit jacket off of his shoulders while he softly explored Cas's mouth with his tongue. He'd always had trouble with the tie, but when Cas reached up to help him, he pushed his hands away. "Not tonight. Let me do this for you." He threw the tie on top of Cas's other clothes and gently kissed his neck while he unbuttoned his shirt. Dean had only boxers on, so his focus was getting Cas undressed. His focus was on Cas. The moon was showing just enough light through the window for Dean to see the outline of Cas's body standing next to the bed. They wrapped their arms around each other and each melted into the other's skin as they slowly sank down onto the bed. Dean rolled Cas on his back and leaned up on one elbow next to him, trailing the fingers of his free hand up and down Cas's chest. He reached up and cupped Cas's face, just looking down at him. He had memorized his features a long time ago. He could picture how blue his eyes were, especially when he was happy or excited. He bent down and gave him a long and lingering kiss. Cas wrapped his arms around Dean and pulled him on top, almost every inch of their flesh touching. He ran his hands up Dean's back and down his sides, making him shiver with every touch. He leaned his head back, signaling to Dean what he wanted. Dean kissed and softly bit a trail across Cas's neck and up to his ear, "beautiful...so beautiful" he murmured. Cas felt tears spring to his eyes, this was the Dean that he wanted. He just wanted this Dean to love him back. A tear slid out of his eye and across his cheek where Dean caught it with a kiss. "Don't cry, baby. Please don't cry." Dean whispered before he pressed their lips together. Dean breathed in the smell of Cas's skin and knew that he needed this just as badly as Cas did. He kissed his way across Cas's shoulders and down his chest while Cas quietly moaned his name. The were both hard, but he wasn't going to touch Cas's cock, not yet. He needed this to last. He sat up between Cas's legs and ran his hands up and down his beautiful body, so many "what if's" floating through him. He bent down and kissed along Cas's hips and down his thighs. He could feel Cas's body trembling. He wanted him desperately, but he had to hold back. He had to give him what they both needed. He ran his hands up Cas's chest, across his shoulders, and down his arms, intertwining their fingers when their hands met. He pulled their hands up and kissed each one of Cas's knuckles before he slid forward and pressed his chest against Cas's, pinning their hands against the blanket above Cas's head. Dean teased his with soft kisses, knowing that Cas wanted to feel his tongue. He felt guilty for all of the times he hadn't given this to Cas, because he knew that Cas deserved it. He loosened his grip on their hands and bent down for the passionate kiss that they both wanted. He rolled on his back and lost himself in the feeling of Cas's hands and mouth. This is how it should have been every time. He had treated Cas like a tool. He put his hands on either side of Cas's face and pulled their lips together. "I'm so sorry baby, so sorry. Can we fix this?" he whispered. Cas just pressed their lips together again. Finally, Dean was at his breaking point. He slid the pillows under his hips and handed Cas the bottle of lube he'd set on the nightstand. Cas sat up between his legs and searched for Dean's eyes in the dark. "Are you sure?" Dean pulled him down for a kiss, "we've done it before, I want to feel you inside of me." Cas had only topped Dean a couple of times, he was nervous as he dripped lube onto his fingers. He pressed one inside and felt Dean cringe but Dean had a grip on his arm and wouldn't let him pull out. They kissed passionately while Cas slid a second finger in and started moving them around. Dean started sliding his hips forward, against Cas's hand. Cas dripped lube on his cock and pulled his fingers out. He pressed his head against Dean and slid forward slowly until he was buried deep. He knew that he had to give Dean time to relax. He bent down and kissed Dean's neck and shoulders until Dean whispered, "okay, I'm ready." Cas reached around and grabbed Dean's cock while he started rocking his hips. He wanted to go slow, he wanted this to last forever. He could feel Dean squirm underneath him, trying to position himself. Cas slid out and back in slowly and found Dean's sweet spot. Dean started moaning his name. Tears dripped down Cas's face as he rocked his hips and stroked Dean at the same time. He couldn't hold back, he could make this last any longer. He felt Dean come in his hand as he thrust a final time and exploded inside of Dean. He collapsed limp and sweaty on top of him and cried against his neck. He could feel Dean crying to as he wrapped his arms around Cas's back. This was what Cas wanted, but it was killing them both. Cas finally rolled over and used the tissues that Dean handed him to clean up. He got out of bed and started putting his clothes on. "Cas?" Dean whispered, "what are you doing?" Cas finished getting dressed and bent down to kiss Dean gently on the forehead. "I love you Dean. I always have, and I know that I always will." He picked up his coat and disappeared...


End file.
